REVIEW: X-Men (All of ’em)

So while everyone is reviewing or talking about the latest X-Flick I’d much rather combine reviews, retrospectives and random babble to an article so this is exactly what I am doing here. This article contains spoilers to ALL X-Men movies. Ye have been warned!

Edit: Yay, this is my 100th post!

Bryan Singer is often lauded for what he did with this movie and I can understand why. But you are wrong. This movie is okay at best and most of the mistakes with it are Bryan Singers fault. He couldn’t direct action scenes, his design choices, costume and casting wise were okay at best and WTF at worst and he approved of a script that was written by people who are great at certain types of movies and X-Men was not one of them. Unfortunately, it shows that neither Studio nor writer nor director wanted to make an X-Men movie and instead wanted to make a movie based on their own interpretation of characters they once heard would make a lot of money.
The film is a boring mess, disjointed, has plot holes and features X-Men in name only. I am not a comic book stickler, I believe it is okay if a movie changes some things to make them work. The problem is that they didn’t work. Rogue, Storm and Cyclops were completely different characters and the ONLY reason they had their comic book names (instead of being characters created specifically for this movie, as they did with First Class) was marketing. You may remember this film fondly but look at it now. You will be bored.

The sequel is not much better. It is better, but only by a small margin. It features way too much Wolverine again, it has the same boring/wrong characters from the first one but at least it makes even less sense this time. The team up between Magneto and the X-Men was cool and a logical step. While the script was again not very X-men like and a repetition of the exact same theme of the first film, it was at least set up better and had some better action scenes. But it was overly long and convoluted and even further removed from the source material. At this point, if you didn’t know it was an X-Men movie and would just randomly watch scenes from it you would never guess this was a Marvel property. Of course that is because it is a FOX property at this point.

This movie is not as bad as you all say it is. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks, it really does but it does not suck as hard as you think. In fact to some degree it does more things right than the first two. And stop blaming Ratner, you may dislike him but he is not at fault this movie sucks. The people to blame are FOX who forced the movie unto the creators and the writers who pretty much took everything that worked from the first two and everything that didn’t work and switched it around – Things that worked now don’t work anymore and things that didn’t work now work. powers are presented correctly and the characters are more like their comic book counterparts. Action is plentiful and looks nice but the dialogue is hamfisted, non-action scenes suck harder than ever before, the characters in the film are just there to be there without justification and the same re-hashed theme is beyond the point of return. And I will never-ever forgive FOX for cutting the sunset scene at the end and forcing the editor to go from day to night in one cut. They had a scene where we see the sun set and the mutants arrive at the Rock when it’s getting dark but they cut it for “time” as if those thirty seconds would have made the movie too long, especially if you consider that X2 was longer.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Oh boy does this movie suck. Wolverine is overhyped anyway (kinda like Batman) but at least in a team movie he can play off of others. In his first solo outing (and unfortunately not his last) he is just this boring character we are forced down our throat. Kinda like his love story in this. Or his family problems. Or his entire storyline. Or the side characters. You know your film has a problem when the special effects look like a bad 90ies TV show and still are not the worst thing in your film. I don’t care how much they changed the comic book characters anymore. At this point I simply don’t care anymore. I just want it to end, really.

X-Men: First Class
So Iron Man happened and FOX realized the dark and leathery era of the Matrix was over and the colorful fun era of actual fucking comic books has arrived. No thanks to them I might add. So they wanted a reboot of their X-Flicks since that worked so well with Batman and Spidey was getting rebooted as well. So they hired Matthew Vaughn to do said reboot after he had to drop out of X3 for… reasons… (namely knowing that one would suck no matter who directed it) and he went to work. But marketing and hype is a bitch and it was decided that it was no longer a reboot but a prequel. But it was a reboot. And a prequel. So somebody just called it a soft reboot, slapped together some incredibly bad posters to promote it and call it a day. The results are surprisingly good. As in it is actually a solid film. Once again the script was severly lacking, made not much sense and had dialogue so bad you could almostgo MARY SUE on pretty much everyone but at least it was well paced, had interesting leads and actually bothered to make up mutants (or use Z-Listers nobody cares about anyway) to fill the ranks. Not so much first class as “throw them at a wall and see who sticks” but it worked. The leads were brilliant in their roles, the chemistry was great, the direction was excellent, great slow scenes, nice action scenes, great special effects and a love story that made fangirls weep. I am talking Charles and Erik in case you are wondering. Such a cute couple. The first good X-Men film came eleven years and five movies into the franchise and it only worked because Marvel proved that colorful movies sell tickets.

The Wolverine
Of course this dude had to get another solo film. Based on (and by that I mean some random intern read it and explained the story to the third unit director who explained it to the second unit director who threw bullet points at the director) the Japan storyline where Wolverine goes to Japan (duh) this one is a stinker. It is only slightly better than the other Wolverine solo film and that’s only because the special effects are better in this one. The rest is just as bad, but at least the story makes less sense so there is that. Huge Jacked Man can play the part in his sleep by now and judging by the quality of this movie he mostly did in this one. So another one in the stinker category.

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Based on (and by that I mean the son of the cleaning lady forgot his comic book in her bag and a random FOX executive saw it while fucking said cleaning lady and since it had Wolverine on the cover he figured that should be the next X-Flick) the early 80ies comic of the same name this one features Kitty Pryde going back in time to prevent a horrible future. But of course this is a FOX film so instead of Kitty, Wolverine goes back in time, sent there by Kitty because fuck logic she can do that now even if it is nowhere even near her actual powerset but Ellen Page just came out as lesbian so we do this, shut up. So kitty sends Wolverine back in time to prevent something bad from happening. Did I mention Bryan Singer returned for this? He did so to retcon X3 and to do that he brought the writers from that movie. So of course the black Leather is back (a bit less black though) and of course we have characters in name only. Every single character created/used in First Class died, with the exception of those Bryan used in his films at some point (yes, he was the one who brought Beast into X3 before he dropped out so that counts) and they died off-screen to be a reminder of how evil things have gotten. You know, in the 70ies.
Of course it shares some of the best features of a Bryan Singer/Simon Kinberg film: Bad, hamfisted dialogue, characters that are all over the place, a story that makes no sense, random throwaway characters, the list goes on. HOWEVER to Singers credit he finally learned how to direct a fucking action scene. Or at least his second unit director did. They are not spectacular by any means but they work and look cool. I especially love Blink in absolutely every regard. Should have used her more but what was there was there. Shawn Ashmore is also back as Iceman and I only mention that because of all the FOX-Men from the first three films I really liked him a lot, especially in X3 (Haha, that is funny, because it is true). All in all this is another typical Singer effort. It is not a bad film, it is even pretty good but I can’t help but wonder how good it could have been if Vaughn directed it as originally planned.

Wolverine Again
So this movie is not out yet but it is another Wolverine solo movie so I guess we get another badly written so-so directed film with half assed ideas thrown together to have Hugh Jackman play the character for as long as he can because recasting him would be a terrible idea at this point. Until the inevitable reboot that is. We will see in a year or two how right I am.

X-Men: Apocalypse
If Bryan Singer is not arrested for fucking an underaged boy (those are the accusations, I have nothing to say about it except this: Happens to girls all the time, to bolster their career so why is it so bad if it happens to a boy? He was 17 and where I live that is a year over consensual age. I don’t know Singer and frankly I don’t care but this lawsuit s a joke) he will probably return to direct this one. And if not it will be either Matthew Vaughn or Marc Webb (j.k. of course, can you imagine the disaster?) and it will be based (and by that I mean they’ll have a guy in a bad suit calling himself apocalypse while the story jumps between the 80ies and now to justify again having the old and new cast together) on the Apocalypse storyline which I know nothing about, really. But even if I would know anything about it (for example read it, read the Ultimate Universe equivalent and saw the cartoon version) it wouldn’t matter because it will have nothing to do with it anyway. But maybe, just maybe by 2016 we can finally have the third (of by then 9) solid X-Men film. I doubt it, but it would be nice.

And that’s it. You know I’m right^^

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