Missing the point: What it takes to fix Indiana Jones (and Pirates of the Caribbean)

Wait, what? A movie topic? WTF? Why? A Movie ain’t no game! Well, yes, but you can see this as an announcement of myself to change me blog to more than games. Starting with 2012, this blog will evolve. I will still feature games, but I will alsof eature movies, TV and music. That does not mean that games get the backburner. It just means tht when I have nothing to say about games, I will post about anything else. Maybe add a Vlog or something.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (or as I am going to call it, Indy 4) has issues. A LOT! So does Pirates of the Caribbean – On Stranger Tides (Pirates 4 from hereon out) and funny enough, they both have very similar problems.

Let it be known that if you write me a comment about how bad aliens in the film are, the comment goes straight into the bin. Because aliens are not more far fetched than a magic god box, a ripped out heart without mess or a wooden eternal life trinket. Same goes for mermaids btw…

No, what’s REALLY wrong with those two movies can actually be fixed as easily as a puzzle that fell to the ground. Pick up the pieces and put them together anew. Now lets begin, shall we?

Indiana Jones was NEVER realistic. In fact, the unrealism is what makes the movies work. I mean seriously, the tank sequence in part 3 was a complete trainwreck as much as realism is concerned but it is so awesome in its execution it really shines. Same goes for the plane fight in the first part. So that is not the problem with Indy 4. Aliens are fine, so is nuking the fridge actually. What is NOT fine is how those thigns were executed. And frankly, I blame Spielberg! There, I said it!

We all know Lucas wanted to have the aliens and Sci-Fi and whatnot. He also wrote the script. But if there is anything Alien 4 told us, its the fact that you can shoot a script the right way and the wrong way. And with Indy 4, Spielberg chose the wrong way. Let me explain:

Take the fridge nuke for example. The scene is riddiculous. But if Spielberg would have chosen to elaborate on the fact that the fridge was far away from the explosion and the nuke was a small one, it would have been much better. It woudl still be completely riddiculous but better. So instead of stressing how important it is for indy to find a lead laced firdge, he could ahve stressed how important it is to get the fuck out of the blast zone. Have indy run a little longer and use a different angle for the explosion and show that the house the fridge was in is really far away from the blast. And all of a sudden a completly stupid scene is less stupid. And thats all it takes for suspension of disbelief.

Take Pirates 4 for example. Pirates movies are all about suspension of disbelief. I mean, we are talking zombies, undead, fishpeople and eternal youth here. And yet, somehow, somewhere down the line the filmmakers screwed it up. And here I blame Disney. They wanted to make a movie that replicated the first one.

Why the hell would they do that? because some guys claimed the 3rd one was too complicated? Because they thought its a good idea to re-shoot the first movie with slight alterations? Well, FAIL.

because of that decision we got a bunch of faceless villains that do nothing then show up at the end and make life harder for Jack. Because of tht we have a weak and uninspired supporting cast that is as interesting as a crab rock and because of that we ahve a “love interest” for Jack. REALLY?

So how to fix things then with both movies? Well, have a list:

Indy 4:

  •  Re-cut the Fridge scene
  • Remove the CGI gophers
  • Remove the CGI monkey scene
  • Remove the Tarzan swinging
  • Remove the CGI ants
  • Remove the CGI as far as you can go
  • Re-edit the chase sequence with the jeep
  • Re-edit the ending so that the ship collapses instead of lifting off
  • Re-edit the movie by removing the stupid child jokes and have it paced better

Pirates 4:

  • Re-cut the film in a way that introduces the spaniards differently
  • Re-cut the film in a way that shows more sea travel
  • Begin the film with Backbeards attack on Phillips ship
  • Less dancing more exposition about Blackbeard
  • Trim down the fight with the Jack imposter to a bare minimum
  • Have Blackbeard actually be evil. He is supposed to be the most evil dude ever, but he does NOTHING to show it. He orders his cook to be cooked. That is all. He is boring as fuck…
  • More screentime for the supporting cast. Make them interesting
  • Less emphasis on Jack. Focus more on everyone else
  • Explain us again WHY Blackbeard steals ships, HOW he does that and how Barbossa feels about having “his” ship stolen and his crew killed. Is everyone dead? Are they inside the bottle too? Can you bring them back? At least have Marty and Cotton back if you can’t get the actors for Pintell and Ragetti. Or use Mullaroy and Murtog.
  • Forget Angelica. She is useless. Remove as many of her scenes as possible.
  • More banther between Jack and Hector
  • More tales from Master Gibbs

The funny thing is that all of the above can be done with simple re-edits of the scenes that were shot. Maybe you need to add one or two new CGI effects to the Pirates scenes but all in all the above mentioned things are easily done. A talented director/cutter can do this within a few weeks and with little cost. And the benefit would be that both movies would actually be very good.

So what do we learn from this for both inevitable 5t parts? Well, don’t make the same mistakes twice. Learn from your mistakes of Part 4. Maybe re-edit the movies for a “Special Edition” on bluray or something. It’s not that hard and you can make a cashload of money AND a better reputation.

I have a pitch for Indiana Jones 5 and/or 6 aswell as Pirates 5 and 6 (no or here) that would build upon parts 4 adn expand on them, retroactively making them better movies. Heck, i could even re-cut both movies myself within a few days. Maybe I even do that, just for a scene or two to show you what I mean. For now, my pitches for the sequels are my own secret, simply because I am unfortunately no american, I am not in the writers guild because of that and pitching something to a studio as non-american is impossible. But maybe, one day, you will experience my takes on them^^

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1 Response to Missing the point: What it takes to fix Indiana Jones (and Pirates of the Caribbean)

  1. Pingback: Missing the Point: What it takes to fix The Amazing Spider-Man (The Comic and The Movie) |

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